I wish I knew when it began. I'm sure this depression came from somewhere. Maybe it came from the pain I endured over the years, or maybe it came from nothingness? Now, I'm not sure what to do with it. It's like being afraid to live, to die, of the future, of even just thinking about the future, of being happy, of being sad, being afraid to just even open my mouth to speak.


Depression is like knowing there's something wrong, but not knowing what exactly. It makes me feel like an outcast, like no one ever sees me as me, but as just a clay figure in the middle of a crowd, a room, or when I'm by myself.


I wish I was weak enough to kill myself, or strong enough to endure. I wish I could tell my parents the truth, that sometimes when I go out with my friends I'm actually alone, because everyone was busy, and I'm sitting at barnes and noble, reading, or cruising the mall, wondering who i might run into to talk, to walk with, to make me feel accepted. I wish I could tell my church brothers and sisters that I'm not okay, that I do believe in the Lord, but that I'm tired, and weak and sometimes I want a hug rather than the staple pharse: The Lord is real and He loves you.

I wish I could be happy for my friend and his new wife instead of being jealous that his life is getting better while mine isn't. I wish I had the courage to smile when I'm extremely depressed, maybe then people would invite me to do things with them more. I wish my plans didn't always fail.

I don't know where it comes from, this crippling fear. As I drive home, turning down a dinner invitation from someone who really does care about me, what do I feel? Do I feel regret for abandoning the dinner plan? I don't even know, I just feel sadness welling up inside to the point where I want my insides to explode, to alleviate my pain of existing.

I wish I knew why I shower my friends with gifts, why I try so hard to make everyone happy, even when I feel like they wouldn't do the same for me. Maybe I just want to prevent my friends from being like me. Maybe I just want them to stay by my side until this storm passes, if it ever does. I want someone to be with me because I'm afraid, so afraid!

Sometimes, music makes me feel so comforted. All the songs of the abyss, of despair and suffering, they make me feel like I'm not as alone as I feel. Maybe one day I will feel worth something, and maybe I'll have a reason to smile in the morning.

I wish people wouldn't think I'm immature sometimes when I'm offended by something insignificant or by something that happened months ago. I'm not immature, and I'm not crazy, or maybe I am? Maybe I'm crazy and I just don't know it?

I wish I could tell my parents how I feel that they've neglected me, and that it's not their fault, and yet now I'm paying for it. I wish I could tell them I'm fading slowly, losing my grip, my mind, and that I can't sleep, that I can't eat or that my body is in immense pain.

I wish I had a best friend. I wish I could keep a best friend. I wish I could keep a friend.

I don't know why I can't be carefree, or risky, or just let loose and have fun with my friends. I don't know why I can't be everything I always imagined I would be when I was younger. I wish I could tell my church brethren that I feel the same way about God's Economy as I do about Japan: I've always wanted to go there, always wanted to live there, to be immersed in its culture and beauty, but as close as I will ever get to it is just reading about it.

It scares me that I might rise and then fall, or that I might never rise. It scares me that I'll always be this, and that I'm just as worthless as trash. I regret it all, all the chances I took, all the chances I didn't take. I miss all the people that died, all the ones that left on their own, all the ones that are still with me, but just don't have time for me. I miss the way life used to be, the way it could be.

I wish I could believe all the positive things I think about. I wish I could accept all the negative ones, the ones that are within and out of my control.

This is the true me.

This is true depression.

It's already over.

It's just beginning.